What's Chaffing Me

The Philadelphia Phillies

I am a die hard Phillies fan. Call me a dork, but during the spring and summertime my mood is gauged on how the Phillies are playing. Right now, I can be best described as a raving lunatic because the Fightins' out and out BLOW.

Let's start with their simpleton manager, Charlie Manual. Granted, the man is one hell of a hitting coach and mentor to young players. However, the bastard couldn't strategize his way out of a paper bag. He is so inept that regular joe-bag-o-donuts fans really do believe that they could come down out of the stands and give their team a better chance to win . . . . and they are probably right.

Last season, he killed us with his late inning pitching decisions; going to Ryan Madsen with runners in scoring position (when he put up his best numbers starting innings), going with Rheal Cormier at the start of innings (when his best numbers were accumulated with runners already on), and sticking with Arthur "Don't have an out pitch" Rhodes as the setup man until his arm fell off (despite the fact that he protected leads about as well as Al Gore holds his weight). It seemed as though every time he was faced with a crucial game changing or saving decision, Uncle Chollie f-ed it up.

In the offseason, Phillies management decided to surround Chollie with great in-game managers like Davey Lopes as his assistant coaches. So, how has he done so far this year? On opening day, he went with "Run machine" Madsen in the extra frame, who gave up his obligatory two runs in a tie ball game. Then in game 2, which also went to extras, he went back to "Run Machine", who gave up the go ahead home run (on an 0-2 count nonetheless).

He couldn't be this bad EVERY game could he? umm . . . yes, he can. In the first game of the Mets series yesterday, with the Phils nursing a two run lead in the seventh, good ole Charlie decided to pull Cole Hamels (who just so happened to have only surrendered 2 earned runs in his first 13 innings of work and had just retired the side in order in the 6th) in favor of Matt Smith in the 7th (who gave up one run),Geoff Geary, and Jon Lieber (who hadn't pitched in relief in over 9 years) in the 8th. This is how the 8th went:

1. Single
2. Single
3. botched sacrifice bunt (1 out)
4. Walk on 4 pitches to 108 year old pinch hitter, Julio Franco
5. ground ball (error on JRoll--1 run scored, tie game)
6. wild pitch (another run scored, Phils down by 1)
7. walk

Pitching change: Jon Lieber

8. sac fly (2 out, Phils down 2)
9. walk
10. 2-run double (Phils down 4)
11. 2-run single (Phils down 6)
12. ground out (side retired)

Great tactician, that Charlie Manual is.

From there, it only gets worse. The bullpen is the WORST in baseball right now. The Fightins' do not have one single arm in the pen that they can confidently hand the ball to with a late game lead. Tom Gordon has one blown save to his credit already. The aforementioned Madsen has given up 3 runs in two extra innings outings. Geoff Geary gave up 4 last night. Antonio Alfonseca got ripped multiple times in the Marlins series. Matt Smith gave up a run last night. Jon Lieber got racked in his debut appearance. Segovia allowed 4 runs in two innings two nights ago. Rosario was just promoted yesterday. And, Condrey is long relief. The only person to actually pitch well out of the Phillies bullpen was newcomer Carlos Bicenius, who stuck out 4 hitters in 2 shutout innings in relief, but Chollie decided to option him to AAA yesterday for Lieber.

The Phillies much talked about offense has laid a big, fat turd at home plate so far this season. They lead the league in runners left in scoring position (68) and are collectively hitting below the Mendoza line with runners on the bags. The team leader in home runs is Jimmy Rollins . . . . yes, I said that correctly, Jimmy Freakin Rollins is their power guy. Until their respective mid game round trippers yesterday, Chase Utley was in a 2 for 14 road funk and reigning NL MVP Ryan Howard was 1 for 12 with RISP. Pat Burrell has a nice average (over .300), but turns into a 5th inning Little League sub with anyone on base. Aaron Rowand looks like Harry Potter as he waves his magic wand at pitches that go right by. Wes Helms looks like the guy the Braves thought he was when they let him go. And, Rob Barajas looks like a younger version of Sal Fasano.

All in all, this Phillies team that has more talent on their roster than everyone in the junior circuit except for the Mets, has a 1-6 record out of the gate and looks like they could get swept by the Sagenaw Fightin Colberts.

Bottom line is that the Phillies had better get their asses in gear, or my wife and kids are going to have one miserable summer.

RETARD OF THE WEEK

This week's biggest retard is undoubtedly Steve Swindal. Swindal is a New York Yankees executive, who just happens to be married to the The Boss's daughter and was being groomed by Big George himself as the successor to the Yankees throne.

Here is a guy who is on the cusp of running THE most prestigious and profitable sports franchise in the entire WORLD and what does he do? Last month, he was arrested for DUI and this week, his meal ticket with a vagina filed for divorce.

I don't care if she was fugly. I don't care if she was unbearable. I don't care if she couldn't screw her way out of a paper bag. When your wife is the ticket to becoming The New Boss, you become an expert back masseuse, you learn to listen and communicate like Oprah, you make best friends with and start a tab with the local florist, and you commit every birthday, anniversary, and holiday to memory . . . . .in general, you deny all your instincts as a man to become the greatest husband in the history of humankind (at least until the old man croaks). You DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT act like such a meat head that she divorces you.

Steve Swindal, for acting like a complete asshat and ruining your chance at becoming the future ruler of the Evil Empire, you are CJLaw's Retard of the Week.

What's Chafing Me

House Democrats

Just a few short months ago, Democratic candidates for Congress were lambasting GOP incumbents on the campaign trail in two critical areas:(1) The war in Iraq, and (2) Big Spending/High Deficits. At the time, I found it totally hilarious that liberals, of all people, were criticizing a Congressional majority of wasteful spending. This is the party that gave us the three greatest boondoggles in American history in welfare, social security, and medicare. This is the party that still advocates for universal health care. This is the party of ABSCAM.

Despite their own abysmal record over the past 50 years of emptying the national coffers, the American people still swallowed what the Dem's media surrogates spoon fed them and elected the Democratic party into the Congressional majority.

So, did the Democrats keep their promise of fiscal responsibility? Of course not, they're liberals! Instead of quickly passing an emergency spending bill to provide the troops in Iraq with life-saving supplies, House Democrats earmarked the bill to death with 21 billion dollars worth of pork for such necessities as peanut storage and more office space for democratic staffers.

That's right folks, in Liberal America, giving extra cube space for little Joanie in the policy shop to hang up her Dixie Chicks poster is equally as important as making sure GI Joe in Iraq has enough armor on his Hummer to withstand a roadside bomb!

What angers me the most is that NO ONE is calling them on it. It's not like this was a super-duper secret bill passed in the dark of night. These douche bags are high-fiving each other on CNN and bragging it up to reporters;

"We have provided all of the money the president requested- and more," boasted House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer.

Only a liberal would have enough balls to boast about adding a farm's worth of pork to a military spending bill, knowing that in January he had said this:

"[House Democrats will] help bring back fiscal responsibility by holding members accountable for their earmarks"--Steny Hoyer, 1/5/07

Of course, the media ignores this little tidbit, instead focusing on the earth shattering issue of whether the Attorney General of the United States fired subordinate political appointees in his Justice Department.
*********************************************
Dick Vitale

Is there any more annoying blowhard on ESPN than Dicky V? This guy screams unbearably at the camera and uses stupid little catchphrases that make 19-year old dumb asses who are high on the hippie lettuce laugh, in order to make up for his lack of analyst skill. He regularly strokes the manjunk of various ACC programs, most notably Duke, as he picks them to win the national championship nearly every year. Worse yet, is that his tiresome rants end up sucking up more intelligent and coherent analysts' (like Digger Phelps and Jay Bilas) face time on SportsCenter and College Gamenight.

This year, his big pick was North Carolina. Boy, you love taking a stretch in your predictions, huh Dicky. He picked the Tar Heels in preseason, cheered for them endlessly during the season (except when they played Duke, of course), and has been confident that "when its all said and done, baby, the Tar Heels will be cutting down the nets in Atlanta" throughout the NCAA Tournament. So, what happened when Dicky's juggernaut got pounded in overtime by Georgetown in the East Regional Finals? He goes into Alzheimers mode and acts as though he had Florida all along. Wow Dicky, you're really going out on a limb there by picking the #1 overall seed and defending national champions.

Note to ESPN: Your anchors don't appreciate a 70-year old lunatic bandwagon fan posing as a basketball analyst screaming into their ear piece every night. Your other analysts don't appreciate him stealing their face time by ranting for 2 minutes straight about the "heart" of a team or about how "dedicated" their fans are, while leaving them only 15 seconds to actually break a game down. And, your viewers . . . . .well, we just mute him or change the channel. So, wise up and show this over the hill Cameron Crazy the door. Hell, the Detroit Pistons did it and look how well they turned out.

A Blog is Born

After years of toiling in the trenches of the internet message board universe, the time has come for CJLaw to step up to the mic solo and break it down as only I can.

First, let's talk format. This is NOT going to be a daily diary. I will NOT bore you with tales from inside the CJLaw household or torture you with descriptions of the cute thing that my kids did on a given day. It will NOT be a soundboard for the latest argument that I had with my spouse. If that is the content that you crave, then I have two words for you . . . . . . move on.

This blog will consist of three regular and distinctly different features:

What's Chafing Me-- My Tuesday rant on (yep, you guessed it) an issue or event that is really making my boxers bunch. It will be a free form, smack-laden, uncensored tirade that will be informative, ruthless, and (most importantly) funny.

Retard of the Week--My Friday night profile of some douche bag in the news who said or did something exceptionally retarded. NO ONE is safe from this distinction. Whether it be Democrats, Republicans, media, athletes, entertainers, hot dog vendors, strippers, or even housewives, all that is required for nomination is a lack of proper brain function.

Sunday Smack Down--My Sunday debunking of some idiotic liberal argument, point by point.

Now, sometimes events may dictate that I comment on something immediately and outside of the above mentioned features. If a time arises, I may insert a Random Thought (a short, sweet, and straight to the point description and/or analysis of a given topic).

Comments are welcome. I encourage opposing viewpoints. If you truly believe that you have a cogent counterpoint, please share it. Of course, you will undoubtedly be wrong and I will certainly dispatch your argument with ease. But still, give it the ol' college try. All that I will require is that you register on this page before your words will appear next to mine. This is to deter liberals from drive-by trolling (which they totally love to do because they have nothing of substance to say) and protect the content of this page against rampant retarded-ness.

So come on in, grab a seat, and crack open a beer. CJ is here to educate, enlighten, and entertain. Just don't put your feet up on my furniture or I'll have to slap you.